j-a

A girl I once knew

Gave socks for my shoe -

“Hush Puppies” on the left -

On my birthday, she set.

The coffee she brew

Was better than her crew’s:

With love and grace;

Touched… Ay, a new taste.

A pen she gave me

On Christmas Eve’s night.

Little did I foresee…

On this paper, it writes.

Few have I memories

Of you… So sweet!

Wrote me in diaries:

For you, my heart fleets.

It could be any day;

There is much to say.

If only you knew

How much I’ve missed you,

Dearest friend…

Lovely sister…

I close my hands

In quiet prayer.

One can wish, but never have.

One can have, but never appreciate.

One can appreciate, but never love.

One can love, but never know with and in whom their hearts really lie.

One can lie without feeling guilt, but can never face the hurt that truth brings.

One could be truthful, with most of what’s said half of what honesty really is.

One is, yet isn’t. Pathetic.

Quote: "As long as you’re happy, I’m happy."

How can he, at the expense of his own happiness, expect joy from her happiness? It ain’t something that happens through osmosis…

Some find it amusing. Others: Annoying. Necessary. Memorable. No matter. Can time be captured by the lenses of a camera, and then, with a flash, be framed within the corners of negatives that are perishable under heat exposure? Many have attempted to immortalize detailed thought and experience via a variety of means ranging from journal records to doctrinal teachings. The latest? Blogs. (Mind you, readers, that I’m not trying to extend my contribution to the millions of existing entries on blogging rights and freedom.) What are we really trying to say through all this? Time will pass, and perhaps, like one of those personal journals of a disturbed Atlantian who has an abandoned asylum as a home, all records will eventually be gone eternally along with the memory of us, and whatever brain farts we may have about anything (who knows what secrets they might hold… STOP DREAMING).

Noting where we are in this modern age driven by madness none other than rush, the amount of knowledge we possess easily surpasses humanity’s history, development, and past knowledge put together. Yet what have we learned? What has come of it? Shouldn’t we be leading healthier, more comfortable, and more enriching lives? Shouldn’t we have achieved the ever so illusive perfection that we’ve been striving towards since eons ago? Shouldn’t we be sitting at the fireplace in our favorite arm-chair with our legs kicked up, sipping the best brewed coffee in the world (and possibly, universe), reading our favorite novel while not having to worry about what kind of world our grandkids would have to face? Yet, here we are…

The earth’s resources are being exploited to the point of exhaustion. Financial maintenance for what remains is mind boggling, not to mention the delays in producing more affordable environment-friendly transportation means. Plus, it’s not like we’re actually sharing. In fact, we’re fighting over the scraps of what can be found… That is if there’s anything at all to be found. Besides, we want results, FAST. Little did we know that the short-term conveniences and pleasures technology gives us is also the very thing that speeds up the process leading to our doom. And this is just within the context of the present generation of consumers. Those before us have already raised the alarm; yet, it is ignored. I wonder… What kind of future are we actually preparing for our grandchildren?

Unfortunate and apparent as it is, we’ve not learned a thing from the masses of ancestral knowledge, much less from the scars the earth has left behind… Even time has swept away our once beautiful earth’s journal entries. What is worse, we’re the ones that have been recording it since the beginning of mankind. If all was futile to begin with, with the clock ticking twice as fast, why do we still bother to pen down things that will not even matter in time to come? While the power of living is in the present, time past is the future trapped in the present. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again.

So pen away while you can… About everything that means to you now, if it pleases you. Cynical as this may be, take no offence: You’re dead anyway.

Pathetic… And on the lighter side, my dad wants to be a grandfather. "God, give me strength."

Can persistence actually be bad for a depressive? Can one be persistent for the wrong reasons? What have I been doing all these years - my work and investment in psychology, which, like everything else on earth, is a strife to acheive, attain, and understand that which cannot possibly be fathomed by the human mind, or, emperical research, for that matter? Does the unconscious really exist since one can only know one’s self as much and as far as one’s consciousness allows? What is allowance? Why should a barrier always exist, a fulcrum that always maintains the balance of the wieght of all things existent and non-existent? Who draws that barrier? If God was an ideology created by man, can meaning and balance still be maintained?

If we have the power to define ourselves, why can’t the same power manifest itself in ways that have never been expressed in the records of human development and anthropology? Perhaps our primitive selves should have been maintained, for the very civilization we created only purposes to destroy the essence that defines us. If everything is done from a point of reference, how can discoveries be made? There are things, after all, that exist yet remains hidden from human knowledge. Does the ‘hiding’ of something mean that it is awaiting its discovery? Can we discover, in turn, that which lies beyond the thresholds of the conscious? I highly doubt.

I have strived for eight long years just to answer one question: How does one’s beliefs and philosophies develop? Consequently, I created something ‘new’: influence manipulation. The power that lies within this manipulative observational technique is mind boggling - one can have total control of another’s mind without having the other person know it. I craved power and control to justify all that I’ve been through… The dismay, frustration, betrayal, anger, failure, mistakes and falls. People were literally at the mercy of my mind… They had absolutely no idea what I was doing to them. I thought I was superior (even Adler might be right about something)… I thought I won. But no. I was wrong.

Two years of implicit theory development ended me up in total lost. What’s worse, it has lead me to who I am now; everything that was done, converse to my original beliefs, benefited others more than it did me. Everything’s a loss to me now. I feel I’ve reduced my value to sheer nothingness. Just when I thought I was destroying people’s lives, I destroyed mine instead. I brought disgrace upon myself and all I believed in and stood for. Was it worth it? Gratifying it was initially, but now I hate this life and myself so much that i’m beginning to give in to this seemingly attractive darkness - death. Since man were born to await his death, what difference does it make if even the smallest unit of time is added to our miserable existence? The world hasn’t changed a bit; everything is deteriorating anyway. The world lives a destiny of doom. Would I be allowed to be doomed? Does choice really matter if our Father in Heaven would not allow those He call his children perish in perpetual darkness?

New year’s arrived. Yay… I’ll be shutting this blog site for a while. It’s still available for viewing but I won’t be making anymore entries. Faithful readers, thanks for visiting my page. Sorry for the disappointment.

Christmas is near! Yay! Can’t remember when my mood for Christmas actually began this year… Kinda odd that it began really early. Never been this excited about it before. No, it’s not about the presents, the songs, performances, what have you. Guess it’s just a reason for me to be all happy and cheery. Only thing, sadly, is I’m not sure if there’re any plans on… *sigh*

The year’s ending pretty well for me and my dad. I got an offer not too long ago to perform for this Chinese Christian band not too long ago. Best part of it is that I’m serving God; God planned this all along and He’s been answering my prayers for financial blessing. Of course, there’s the part where I’m yet to manage my finances well enough. Bleh. My dad, on the other hand, got an offer to play around in China for 12 days plus recording. Really happy for him since he’s been complaing that he hasn’t the resources and opportunity to travel around plus considering that he just recovered from dengue. I guess this is God’s way of consoling my dad. *sweet*

Lots of people have been asking me about my plans after the completion of my degree. For those of you who are still wondering, I don’t really know. Everyone has DHA. No, not the one you find in your milk; it’s dreams, hopes, and aspirations. Have thoughts of taking music more seriously after a graduate… If God-willing, I might even persue a music degree. Then there’s theology and a doctrate in theological psychology. Then there’s the part of becoming a professional recording artiste. Of course, the most important part of it - and the only thing that matters - is God’s perfect will. No point having what I’m doing or will be doing to fall within God’s permissive will. Hmmm… Seems I have quite a long journey ahead of me. Hee…

Last of all, I’m struck with a darn cold. Can’t remember the last time my nose gave me such a tough time as now. Of course, part of it is self-afflicted. Sleep deprived, irregular eating habits, late night calls, PS2… Then, given our lovely M’sian climate; don’t think i have to explain this part here. What my friend said was true, "Negaraku, tanah tumpahnya jerebu…" LOL!

Life’s most embarrassing moments. Bitter-sweet experiences. Our first love. Our first kiss. Friends found, remained, lost, and gone. Hitting puberty with raging hormones - a time most of us wouldn’t even want to remember. How much of us is actually determined by the past? Why are some able to let go, while others still hold on to the very thing that destroys us?

~

Are feelings really uncontrollable? Are we merely habitual beings? Feelings are superficial. Nothing more. Period. Most define meaning by the kind of emotional attachments and significance placed on a particular event. Hence phenomenas like misattribution effects, cognitive dissonance, and what have you. Attraction is a foolish thing on evolutionary grounds, defying the laws of rationale and logic. No wonder social sciences have never really been able to explain constructs that are seemingly - deceptively, if one may - profound to the human mind. Take love, for example. Erroneous to equate attraction with affection - or on higher grounds, love.

Affective living has replaced our cognitive modes operandi, distorting our civil function. So what is left of us? Are we nothing but beasts, driven by pure desire, roaming the earth and scavenging on the leftovers of evolution? It’d be nice to think that human modernization and civilization has buried the beast that lurks within all of us, wouldn’t it? Some descendants we are.

~

Indeed, we all are born dreamers. Make no mistake, however, that emotional desires and securities often have no association whatsoever in the creation of a dream. It isn’t whether we have the right dream (to begin with) or not, but if we have stifled our spontaneity and creativity to live by stubbornly holding on to our uncontrollable desire for control, power and knowledge over uncharted, virgin terrains of the inconceivable, unfathomed and unimagined.

This is not a confession to the one who knows the true meaning of this entry.

~

On one hand, people aren’t hateable; it’s what they do that makes them so. "Love the person; hate their sins," they say. On the other, mere human expectations are bound to be disappointing. Yet, we expect something nonetheless no matter how hard we try to learn not to, as it is of us to expect the best. Even so, what can be more dismaying than losing a friend, or wronged - perhaps betrayed - by the one you love most?

Seeing them miserable.

~

There is one whom I’ve loved so dearly for as long as our friendship lasted - almost anyway. Perhaps the most wonderful friend I’ve ever had. She’s bold, intelligent, radical, loving, sweet… And the list goes on. Most importantly, she’s the only person that stood faithfully by me through my Great Depression, teaching me what matters in life and the converse. Even though it wasn’t her intention, I’ve, and still am, learning patience through her. There is perhaps too many wonderful things about her to note here. All in all, I’ve thanks insufficient to gratify all that she has ever done to help me become the person that I am. And I’ve struggled with my friendship with her to this day.

Today, my heart is dismayed and utterly hurt at the sight of her silent misery. As little or much as I can do to help her, I’ve always struggled to do so. Many a time I feel that she pushes away those who sincerely love her while pulling the heart strings of another who can’t. Not that the other person is incapable of love; he’s given his heart to someone who’s able to handle it. And not to say that my beloved friend isn’t able to handle the heart of her Heart’s Desire, but she isn’t ready. One might ask, however, "What makes me think that she’s actually able and ready to handle my heart or vice versa?" True, this may be: At what cost am I willing for my Heart’s Desire? Everything? Nothing (which really is something in terms too profound to describe)? My life?

Foolishness this is, yet my heart fleets with love for her. Some might feel that she’s merely a foolish child not worth its price, yet what qualifies her as an object for sale at a marketplace? At the same time, true love are only for fools not of thinkers, but for Christ - the source of love. Can love so profound and unfathomed ever be realized by mere being such as us? It is to my conviction that it can.

How can a man love a woman who’s not ready to give her heart to him? You know who you are. Sometimes I really feel that I do not know you anymore… Am I losing you? Not that I’m proposing to leave, but whether or not I’m blinded by my love for you. Am I as foolish as you are, trying to persue those who can’t love you while pushing aside others who are already willing and ready to give you your heart’s true desire?

I’m making this short.

Nice color. Symbol of purity, righteousness, holiness, surrender, innocence, and a blank space. Also happens to be the color of the first page of a new chapter in my life entitled "ADULTHOOD". Okay, fine. I’m just 20, transiting from adolescence to adulthood. But who likes transtion periods? Though it might be a good thing for most people, I still feel that it’s a little too early for me to start upholding my "manly responsibilities" - as steteotypical as it sounds - since my youthfulness just started springing after years of neglegence. I’m still a little baffled that I’m 20… Don’t really know why I’m making this such a big deal. Friends, people, strangers from the places I went, thanks for your birthday wishes, especially Boo and Sul.