j-a

Can persistence actually be bad for a depressive? Can one be persistent for the wrong reasons? What have I been doing all these years - my work and investment in psychology, which, like everything else on earth, is a strife to acheive, attain, and understand that which cannot possibly be fathomed by the human mind, or, emperical research, for that matter? Does the unconscious really exist since one can only know one’s self as much and as far as one’s consciousness allows? What is allowance? Why should a barrier always exist, a fulcrum that always maintains the balance of the wieght of all things existent and non-existent? Who draws that barrier? If God was an ideology created by man, can meaning and balance still be maintained?

If we have the power to define ourselves, why can’t the same power manifest itself in ways that have never been expressed in the records of human development and anthropology? Perhaps our primitive selves should have been maintained, for the very civilization we created only purposes to destroy the essence that defines us. If everything is done from a point of reference, how can discoveries be made? There are things, after all, that exist yet remains hidden from human knowledge. Does the ‘hiding’ of something mean that it is awaiting its discovery? Can we discover, in turn, that which lies beyond the thresholds of the conscious? I highly doubt.

I have strived for eight long years just to answer one question: How does one’s beliefs and philosophies develop? Consequently, I created something ‘new’: influence manipulation. The power that lies within this manipulative observational technique is mind boggling - one can have total control of another’s mind without having the other person know it. I craved power and control to justify all that I’ve been through… The dismay, frustration, betrayal, anger, failure, mistakes and falls. People were literally at the mercy of my mind… They had absolutely no idea what I was doing to them. I thought I was superior (even Adler might be right about something)… I thought I won. But no. I was wrong.

Two years of implicit theory development ended me up in total lost. What’s worse, it has lead me to who I am now; everything that was done, converse to my original beliefs, benefited others more than it did me. Everything’s a loss to me now. I feel I’ve reduced my value to sheer nothingness. Just when I thought I was destroying people’s lives, I destroyed mine instead. I brought disgrace upon myself and all I believed in and stood for. Was it worth it? Gratifying it was initially, but now I hate this life and myself so much that i’m beginning to give in to this seemingly attractive darkness - death. Since man were born to await his death, what difference does it make if even the smallest unit of time is added to our miserable existence? The world hasn’t changed a bit; everything is deteriorating anyway. The world lives a destiny of doom. Would I be allowed to be doomed? Does choice really matter if our Father in Heaven would not allow those He call his children perish in perpetual darkness?