j-a

Life’s most embarrassing moments. Bitter-sweet experiences. Our first love. Our first kiss. Friends found, remained, lost, and gone. Hitting puberty with raging hormones - a time most of us wouldn’t even want to remember. How much of us is actually determined by the past? Why are some able to let go, while others still hold on to the very thing that destroys us?

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Are feelings really uncontrollable? Are we merely habitual beings? Feelings are superficial. Nothing more. Period. Most define meaning by the kind of emotional attachments and significance placed on a particular event. Hence phenomenas like misattribution effects, cognitive dissonance, and what have you. Attraction is a foolish thing on evolutionary grounds, defying the laws of rationale and logic. No wonder social sciences have never really been able to explain constructs that are seemingly - deceptively, if one may - profound to the human mind. Take love, for example. Erroneous to equate attraction with affection - or on higher grounds, love.

Affective living has replaced our cognitive modes operandi, distorting our civil function. So what is left of us? Are we nothing but beasts, driven by pure desire, roaming the earth and scavenging on the leftovers of evolution? It’d be nice to think that human modernization and civilization has buried the beast that lurks within all of us, wouldn’t it? Some descendants we are.

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Indeed, we all are born dreamers. Make no mistake, however, that emotional desires and securities often have no association whatsoever in the creation of a dream. It isn’t whether we have the right dream (to begin with) or not, but if we have stifled our spontaneity and creativity to live by stubbornly holding on to our uncontrollable desire for control, power and knowledge over uncharted, virgin terrains of the inconceivable, unfathomed and unimagined.

This is not a confession to the one who knows the true meaning of this entry.

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On one hand, people aren’t hateable; it’s what they do that makes them so. "Love the person; hate their sins," they say. On the other, mere human expectations are bound to be disappointing. Yet, we expect something nonetheless no matter how hard we try to learn not to, as it is of us to expect the best. Even so, what can be more dismaying than losing a friend, or wronged - perhaps betrayed - by the one you love most?

Seeing them miserable.

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There is one whom I’ve loved so dearly for as long as our friendship lasted - almost anyway. Perhaps the most wonderful friend I’ve ever had. She’s bold, intelligent, radical, loving, sweet… And the list goes on. Most importantly, she’s the only person that stood faithfully by me through my Great Depression, teaching me what matters in life and the converse. Even though it wasn’t her intention, I’ve, and still am, learning patience through her. There is perhaps too many wonderful things about her to note here. All in all, I’ve thanks insufficient to gratify all that she has ever done to help me become the person that I am. And I’ve struggled with my friendship with her to this day.

Today, my heart is dismayed and utterly hurt at the sight of her silent misery. As little or much as I can do to help her, I’ve always struggled to do so. Many a time I feel that she pushes away those who sincerely love her while pulling the heart strings of another who can’t. Not that the other person is incapable of love; he’s given his heart to someone who’s able to handle it. And not to say that my beloved friend isn’t able to handle the heart of her Heart’s Desire, but she isn’t ready. One might ask, however, "What makes me think that she’s actually able and ready to handle my heart or vice versa?" True, this may be: At what cost am I willing for my Heart’s Desire? Everything? Nothing (which really is something in terms too profound to describe)? My life?

Foolishness this is, yet my heart fleets with love for her. Some might feel that she’s merely a foolish child not worth its price, yet what qualifies her as an object for sale at a marketplace? At the same time, true love are only for fools not of thinkers, but for Christ - the source of love. Can love so profound and unfathomed ever be realized by mere being such as us? It is to my conviction that it can.

How can a man love a woman who’s not ready to give her heart to him? You know who you are. Sometimes I really feel that I do not know you anymore… Am I losing you? Not that I’m proposing to leave, but whether or not I’m blinded by my love for you. Am I as foolish as you are, trying to persue those who can’t love you while pushing aside others who are already willing and ready to give you your heart’s true desire?